The Best Love Letter I Have Ever Received

            In my life I have received but four love letters.  One was gross.  Another was sweet but nauseating, not to mention historically inaccurate.  Or maybe, hysterically inaccurate.  One was so true and loving that I almost hopped a plane in search of its author when I unearthed it after fourteen years, having misplaced the list of reasons why I shouldn't get back together with him, which I used to keep in the envelope with it.  But the above is the best one, hands down.  I was a little afraid of getting to know him better, because I was 17 and he was 22, but now I'm thinking I should have run with this guy, instead of running away from him.  I have a feeling we would still be having fun today.  Transcribed, sans marginalia:

           Dear [me]:

           I'm sorry that I haven't written sooner but I have a new job that makes me tired.  I guess I just couldn't make it as an ignorant slut.  I am now a carpet cleaner. We steam carpets and clean peoples houses (and the vibes).  You wouldn't believe the way people's houses change when the carpets are clean.  I miss you, 'cause you laugh at my jokes.  This job is really hard work.  It makes me so sexy lookin' it's just terrible.  Even though I moved out of town, girls still bug me all the time.  But I don't care about all the mushy stuff.  I just want some[one] to wrestle with and have grass throwing fights.  I hope you don't laugh all the time like you used to.  It's just too crazy!  Pipi [Longstocking] is so very strong, but you are kind of soft, so maybe you're the Anti-Pipi.  I keep thinking about you a lot but it's probably just because it's getting close to Halloween.  I'm not living very far away so maybe I could come see you on my bike sometime if I could figure out a place to stay.  Please send me your dorm address and when to come visit and how to get there.  Maybe, if you're lucky, I'll come and see you.  Maybe I'll even soak you with my blessings.  Please give your roommate the raspberry from me.  Maybe she likes old K-Tel Records.

          Seriously, I want to thank you for making me so happy when I really needed it.  But now I want to see you and be happier.  By the way, it cost me a little, but I got the newspaper not to print those pictures of us in the park.  If you ever want to get away for the weekend, you could stay out here.  I live with a married couple so you'd be safe if you hollered.  I live in a spiritual center.  Every morning we wake up and chant for an hour in Sanskrit.  This weekend we are building a sweatlodge and a Ponca pipewoman is having a big ceremony.   40 people are going to be here.  We have 2 tipis, a big farm and an abandoned van.  Of course I had to stop drinking.  We have quartz crystals all over.  I lost [mutual friend's] address and I want to write her.  Hey!  I care about you.  Please write me soon.  Send me a picture (with pigtails).  I am very tired and have to wake up in 6 hours.  I'm getting punchy and I don't know what to write anymore. 

         Smooches [name withheld], Wooo!