Always seems to me that sorry seems to be the hardest word. That's not true. It's easy, too easy. The song is stuck in my head though. It is too easy to blabber out the wrong thing and it's too easy to say "I'm sorry". It fixes absolutely nothing.
I'm a secret prayer. I pray outloud every morning in the shower. Blasphemous? Probably - but I'm pretty sure whatever higher power is out there is not concerned with my state of affairs. Heaven knows that the last person I care about seeing me naked is God. I also pray in the car. Wherever there is silence, I am probably saying a prayer. I am probably saying "I need peace" or "God help those people" or "Please help "it" be okay". Occasionally, I confront the universal powerhouse "What are you thinking?!!!"
Our relationship is based on my blurting into the universe whatever random thing I think needs attention followed by "Thanks for listening". I do not expect action from the Universal Director. I hope that he finds me mildly entertaining on occasion and recognizes that I am just putting stuff into the outloud to get it off my heart. I have it and then I give it to him.
Today, in the car, on the way to see my kids, after painful discussion number 10 for the week, I said one that I absolutely never say. I hate the powerlessness of it. "Dear God, Thy will be done". I said this outloud and clearly. And then I secretly and silently prayed that his will was mine as I'm not certain I am ready to deal with the consequences of his will. He's probably going to strike me down for being duplicitous if nothing else.
Ok - so back to "Sorry" and the root cause of this prayer where I admit that I'm powerless and then pretend to pray that I'm smart enough to want what God wants. On not one, but on three occasions in the last week, I said three separate things to someone I love with the intent of conveying information and ease and without intent to cause pain, the end result of which was misinformation, unease, and pain. I of course realize that this makes me an idiot. (In my own defense, the other party was not communicating well either.) The end result of this long running discussion is ongoing confusion and hurt by both parties followed by "I'm sorry" that doesn't seem to resolve the ongoing issue or rectify the pain inflicted. My response to this (in my head) is "What the hell?!!"
The only answer I can find is a pubescent "Whatever" to a higher power in the form of "Thy will be done". I think he would take away my car keys if it wasn't the only place I've recently admitted to being powerless.
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